Vol. I  ·  No. 3 Thursday, August 13, 2026Price: Your Priors
Quod Anseri Bonum, Anseri Alteri

The Double Standard Press

Est. Never· All the News, Reprinted to Fit· Serving Both Echo Chambers
100% Parody
You are reading the edition of Thursday, August 13, 2026 — read today's paper
EXCLUSIVE: Every primary loser confirms the process was completely fair in the races they won  ···  WEATHER: Five-week recess front settles over the Capitol; all pressure systems postponed to September  ···  MARKETS: Butter softens on record sculptural demand; uranium rallies on pure coincidence  ···  CORRECTIONS: The Press misattributed yesterday's hypocrisy to the wrong party; the hypocrisy itself was accurate  ···
The Daily Flip · Dairy Desk

Gov. Abbott, Weighing a Presidential Run, Personally Unveils 800 Pounds of Butter Shaped Like a Cow

The sculpture honors a highway's hundredth birthday; the governor's attendance honors, aides insist, absolutely nothing else

By The Gander DeskAug 13, 2026
Press photo: a life-size butter cow in a refrigerated glass case faces a presidential-style podium with teleprompters inside a state fair dairy building
Staff photo · The candidate and the electorate, both held at 38 degrees
Are you outraged by this headline?
Rewritten from real coverage of the Illinois State Fair butter cow unveiling — same butter, opposite party. Tap flip and watch your opinion of state-fair politicking churn.
Ink = the flip (fiction). Red = real Republican · Blue = real Democrat.
Flip Test · 93% Failed

DALLAS — Gov. Abbott, a man currently exploring whether Americans hunger for his leadership, appeared at the state fair Wednesday to unveil a cow sculpted from 800 pounds of unsalted butter, pausing before it with the solemnity of a statesman receiving a foreign head of dairy.

The Press notes the bipartisan physics of fair season: every governor with national ambitions is contractually photographed adjacent to livestock, fried food, and at least one commodity rendered in sculptural form. Voters of each party describe the other party's version as transparent pandering and their own as authenticity you can spread on toast.

Continue to the full flip →

Press photo: two moving trucks parked nose-to-nose outside a storefront campaign office, one being loaded and one being unloaded with identical boxes
Comeback Desk

Donalds Wins the Primary He Dropped Out of Last Month, After Party Elders Explain to Voters What Their Original Preference Had Been

Press photo: surveyor stakes marching across red-rock desert toward sandstone buttes, with a briefcase of blank stock certificates open on a folding table in the foreground
Coincidence Desk

Executives Buy Record Stock in Their Own Uranium Company Days Before President Obama Shrinks the Monument Next Door

Press photo: an election-night ballroom with a concession podium built entirely from stacked white pillows, balloons still trapped in a ceiling net overhead
Concession Desk

Abrams Loses Primary by 11 Points, Vows to Keep Fighting Until the Votes Are Counted Differently

Press photo: an enormous ship's wheel mounted on a podium at the end of a pier, with a distant queue of motionless oil tankers on the hazy horizon
Strait Desk

President Obama Declares the United States in Full Control of a Strait That Remains, in Unrelated News, Closed

Press photo: a knotted rope of bedsheets hanging from a second-story window of a grand marble government building, a packed suitcase waiting on the lawn below
Exit Desk

Sen. Hawley Wins 89 Percent of the Vote for the Chance to Leave the Senate

Press photo: an enormous blank wall calendar in a marble Senate hallway with one square circled in red marker, a gavel resting on a giant coin on the table beneath
Recess Desk

Leader Schumer Schedules September Votes Designed Exclusively to Be Voted Against