Press Secretary Jean-Pierre Steps Down to Spend More Time With Family, Effective the Moment She Becomes a Top Outside Advisor

WASHINGTON — The president announced on social media Wednesday that press secretary Jean-Pierre will step down at the end of the month to spend more time with her two young children, and will simultaneously become one of his 'top outside advisors' — a role that combines the family time of a job with the job of a job.

Jean-Pierre, the youngest person ever to hold the position, said she could not be the parent her children deserve while devoting the constant attention the podium requires — a sentence The Press notes is among the only ones ever uttered at that podium that no fact-checker has contested.

Reaction arrived pre-sorted. Voters aligned with the administration described the exit as a devoted parent making a graceful choice. Voters opposed described it as a spokesperson fleeing a sinking ship ahead of the midterms. The Press archives confirm both descriptions are issued for every departing press secretary of every administration, with the adjectives assigned strictly by the party of the podium.

The 'top outside advisor' designation drew particular study from linguists, who note that Washington now recognizes four states of employment: inside, outside, senior, and gone, and that no one has ever been the last one.

A successor is expected to be named shortly, and will be described by one half of the country as a fresh voice and by the other as a propagandist, in a ratio The Press can publish in advance with full confidence.

The podium itself, sources confirm, remains the longest-serving official in the building.