Vol. I  ·  No. 15 Wednesday, November 4, 2026Price: Your Priors
Quod Anseri Bonum, Anseri Alteri

The Double Standard Press

Est. Never· All the News, Reprinted to Fit· Serving Both Echo Chambers
100% Parody
Yesterday’s Paper: Oct 9, 2026 →
BREAKING: President confirms he was not on the ballot, after a month of asking you to pretend otherwise; the pretending is now optional  ···  POLL: 100% of landslides that did not occur would have been 'historic,' according to the one man who did not run in them  ···  MARKETS: Subpoena futures hit a record on 'lawyer up'; buyer's-remorse futures await gas prices, which are 'on the way'  ···  CORRECTIONS: Yesterday's 'complete and total endorsement' should have read 'endorsement, through roughly October.' The Press regrets the formula  ···
Today’s Outrage Index · 87 — 13 flips tested · editors’ estimate · the meter is still tallying
The Daily Flip · White House Desk

President Obama Asks Voters to Pretend He Is on the Ballot, Loses Congress, Announces He Was Never on the Ballot

A referendum is declared on Monday and un-declared on Tuesday, in time for a hat

By The Gander DeskNov 4, 2026
Press photo: a car-sized red ball cap with a blank front sits alone on a mansion's floodlit lawn at night while paper ballots blow across the grass and a staffer seen from behind chases them with a rake
Staff photo · One size fits a mandate
Are you outraged by this headline?
Rewritten from AP coverage of the president's election night — same "pretend I'm on the ballot," same "I wasn't on the Ballot," same VETO hat, opposite president. Tap flip and watch "sore loser" become "a mood in the air."
Ink = the flip (fiction). Red = real Republican · Blue = real Democrat.
Flip Test · 94% Failed

WASHINGTON — President Obama spent the final month of the midterm campaign flying to friendly states and asking voters to "pretend I'm on the ballot." On Tuesday night, with both chambers of Congress called for the other party, he posted that he was not, in fact, on the ballot, and that if he had been, his party "would have won IN A LANDSLIDE!" The ballots were not consulted for comment.

The pundit's first grade went to a governor of his own party who lost a bid for a fourth term. Obama had given that governor his "Complete and Total Endorsement" in February. On Tuesday he explained the man had become a Democrat "in name only" during "the last six months of his Political Life." Aides did not say whether the endorsement had been total for the first half of the year or the second.

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Press photo: an emptied election-night ballroom with a pickup-truck-sized treasure chest standing open and empty on the stage while a janitor seen from behind sweeps confetti
Statehouse Desk

Governor Hochul Enters the Year With $106 Million, Seeks a Record Fourth Term, Concedes at 10 p.m. to a State Legislator

Press photo: a floor-sized paper map of a coastal state drawn with thick district lines, a canoe-sized pair of scissors lying across it, boot prints crossing the lines, and a clerk seen from behind rolling up one corner
Map Desk

Governor Newsom Redraws Four Districts to Favor His Party, Watches the Other Party Win Three of Them

Press photo: a garage-door-sized blank calendar page with one square torn out hangs above a sledgehammer-sized gavel resting on an empty folding chair, as a distant figure seen from behind leaves through double doors
Speaker's Lobby

Speaker Jeffries Says He Lost the House to 'More Than a Century of Midterm History,' Which Was Not on the Ballot Either

Press photo: an empty hearing room where hundreds of identical black briefcases are stacked higher than the dais behind a witness table holding one blank sheet of paper
Oversight Desk

Incoming Oversight Chair Comer Marks New Majority With a Two-Word Statement to the Other Party's White House: 'Lawyer Up'

Press photo: a marble corridor where a giant chamber door stands exactly half open, a dolly of blank cardboard boxes waits in front of it, and a distant figure seen from behind walks away holding a gavel
House Desk

Speaker-in-Waiting Johnson Sees 'Dramatic Change,' Has 'Not Ruled Anything In or Out' on Impeaching the President

Press photo: an empty judge's chair under a clear plastic dust cover alone atop capitol steps at dawn, while a line of identical cardboard boxes stretches down the plaza and a courier seen from behind carries one more up
Senate Desk

Leader Thune Announces 'Relief Is on the Way,' Clarifies That Judges Are Not

Press photo: a convention-hall victory stage where a towering second mountain made of stacked folding chairs rises in front of a painted mountain backdrop, and a small figure in a suit seen from behind starts climbing it with a rope
Statehouse Desk

Governor Abbott Wins Third Term, Detects 'Something Stirring in the Conscience of America,' Mentions a Second Mountain

Press photo: a victory-stage podium turned away from its own supporters, seen from behind, to face a wall of forty-nine television cameras, with a cannon-sized megaphone aimed at the cameras
2028 Desk

Governor DeSantis Wins Reelection in a Landslide, Delivers Victory Speech Addressed to Forty-Nine States That Did Not Vote

Press photo: two wheelbarrows heaped with blank green paper sit outside facing congressional office doors, joined by a single receipt roll unspooled across the marble floor, as a staffer seen from behind wheels in a third
Money Desk

Rep. Chip Roy Says Voters Rejected the Other Party for Being 'Bought and Paid For' by Billionaires; His Party's Billionaires Decline Comment