President Biden Announces Prices Are Dropping Fast; Prices, Reached for Comment, Rise 0.1 Percent

WASHINGTON — President Biden paused on an airport tarmac Tuesday night to inform reporters that prices are 'dropping fast.' On Wednesday morning, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that prices rose 0.1 percent in July, and that annual inflation stands at 3.4 percent — down from 3.5, up from the president's description, and indifferent to both.

The White House emphasized the direction of travel: inflation has now eased for two consecutive months. The opposition emphasized the altitude: prices remain higher than when the president took office, and the economy shed 23,000 jobs in July. Both emphases are accurate, which is why each side is confident the other's is a lie.

The Press reminds readers of the first law of affordability physics, in force since at least four administrations: the consumer price index is a rigorous, gold-standard measurement in every month it flatters the president your side elected, and a manipulated Washington statistic in all other months. The index itself has not changed methodology; the presidency has changed hands.

Economists consulted by The Press confirmed that 3.4 percent annual inflation means prices are rising more slowly, not falling — a distinction that has defeated the tarmac statements of, at latest count, every president with access to a tarmac.

Voters interviewed at a supermarket split evenly on whether groceries have gotten better or worse under the current administration, then split identically on the previous administration, then asked which administration was currently in office.

Prices, reached repeatedly for comment, continued in the direction of their choosing.