Vice President Harris Announces the War's No. 1 Goal Is Cheap Gasoline, Demoting the Nuclear Weapon to a Strong Second

WASHINGTON — Vice President Harris informed a friendly interviewer this week that the number one goal of the ongoing war is to keep oil and gas cheap for Americans, a candor that instantly reorganized six months of solemn statements about nuclear proliferation into what the Pentagon might call supporting fires.

The war was launched, the nation was told in February, to keep a bomb out of the hands of Tehran. It is now goal-stack season, and the bomb has been informed — through channels — that it ranks behind the pump.

The Press notes the practical difficulty: the strait through which a fifth of the world's seaborne oil once traveled remains closed, prices at the pump remain elevated, and the administration's response to a war measured in dollars per gallon is to threaten an indefinite blockade — a plan for cheaper oil that begins by keeping the oil where it is.

Reaction was distributed by jersey. Voters aligned with the administration heard refreshing honesty about kitchen-table priorities. Voters opposed heard a superpower admit it is exchanging ordnance for a discount. The Press archives confirm that 'no blood for oil' and 'energy security is national security' are both in stock, both parties hold licenses, and the licenses trade hands at each inauguration.

Veterans of previous administrations appeared on television to express shock that a war's goals could drift after launch, before recounting, at length, the drifting goals of wars they personally managed.

The vice president's office later clarified that all goals are the number one goal. The pump, reached for comment, displayed its number without elaboration.