Vol. I  ·  No. 4 Friday, August 14, 2026Price: Your Priors
Quod Anseri Bonum, Anseri Alteri

The Double Standard Press

Est. Never· All the News, Reprinted to Fit· Serving Both Echo Chambers
100% Parody
You are reading the edition of Friday, August 14, 2026 — read today's paper
EXCLUSIVE: Marble confirms it never requested a name, would have settled for a cleaning  ···  MARKETS: Crude rises on news that keeping it cheap is goal No. 1; goals slip in after-hours trading  ···  WEATHER: 50 percent chance of tariffs Tuesday, hardening to a 100 percent chance of 50 percent  ···  CORRECTIONS: The Press yesterday described both parties as beyond parody; both parties have since submitted proof  ···
Outrage Index, This Edition · 91 — 11 flips tested · editors’ estimate · the meter is still tallying
The Daily Flip · Marble Desk

Board Appointed by President Obama Votes 20-3 That the Kennedy Center's Marble Should Credit President Obama's Restoration

The center will also close its main building for two years of renovations, guaranteeing the new inscription the audience it deserves

Press photo: an enormous gilded picture frame suspended by crane over the entrance of a white marble arts center, with a monumental chisel and mallet resting on a cushion below
Staff photo · The facade, prepared for authorship
Are you outraged by this headline?
Rewritten from real coverage of the Kennedy Center board's August 13 vote — same marble, same 20-3 tally, opposite party. Tap flip and time how fast 'legacy' becomes 'vandalism.'
Ink = the flip (fiction). Red = real Republican · Blue = real Democrat.
Flip Test · 96% Failed

WASHINGTON — The board of the Kennedy Center, each member of which was installed by President Obama after the previous board was dismissed in a single afternoon, voted 20 to 3 on Thursday to inscribe the president's name into the building's white marble facade, resolving by an overwhelming margin a question that had been asked by no one outside the room.

The center's main building will meanwhile close for a two-year, $250 million renovation, meaning the freshly credited marble will spend its debut season performing for scaffolding. Aides note the smaller annex will remain open for limited programming, ensuring the arts continue at a volume the arts have been asked to keep down.

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