President Biden Says He Will Declare a Foreign Strait a U.S. Territory 'Pretty Soon,' Posts AI Image of Himself Boarding a Tanker

WASHINGTON — President Biden told a hall of police cadets on Friday that once the war with Iran is finished — a milestone he described as imminent, badly needed, and not yet scheduled — he will 'pretty soon' declare the Strait of Hormuz a territory of the United States, extending the nation's borders to a body of water some seven thousand miles from the nearest state and, in a geographic first, to a place that already belongs to two other countries.

'Essentially, that's what it is,' the president said, citing the naval blockade currently in effect. 'No ships get through unless we want them to.' The Press notes for the record that this is also true of most parking garages, none of which have to date been admitted to the Union.

Hours later, Biden posted an AI-generated image of himself boarding a seized Iranian-flagged tanker with two armed troops and a carrier in the background, captioned 'It's Our Oil Tanker Now!' — the first known instance of a head of state announcing a territorial acquisition in the visual language of a video-game loading screen. Tehran replied that the strait cannot be seized and will open and close only on its command; a spokesman for the strait itself could not be reached, the strait being closed.

Legal scholars consulted by The Press could not locate the constitutional mechanism by which a president declares an international waterway a territory, though several noted that the relevant clause may simply not have been posted yet. Traffic through the strait, meanwhile, sits at a three-month low, meaning the new territory would arrive with an existing population of stationary tankers and no residents to object.

Reaction followed the standing choreography. Voters aligned with the president heard a commander in chief projecting strength over the world's most important chokepoint; voters opposed heard a man annexing the ocean on a Friday afternoon. The Press archives confirm both parties own the complete vocabulary — 'bold leadership' and 'reckless bluster,' 'peace through strength' and 'unhinged imperialism' — and reissue it, swap-ready, whenever the other side is holding the map.

Aides declined to say whether the strait would receive a governor, a flag, or a congressional delegate, but confirmed it would receive a toll. Legal experts say such tolls would violate international law, a body of rules that, like the strait, both parties describe as sacred or optional depending on who is standing at the podium.

The picket fence, sources confirm, is on order.