President Obama Threatens to Bomb the Country That Was Trying to Broker His Peace

WASHINGTON — President Obama, unable to force a surrender at the negotiating table, announced this week that he was prepared to bomb the small neutral country that had spent months trying to arrange the negotiating table.

The ally in question had agreed to mediate precisely because it was on speaking terms with both sides, a quality that President Obama now described as the problem. Aides clarified that the mediator was not the adversary, was in fact a partner, and had been threatened chiefly for the offense of being close to a deal the administration had decided it did not like.

To underline the seriousness, the President promised what he called an economic campaign of unprecedented scale against anyone still trading with the other side — a category that, on inspection, included several countries the United States would prefer to keep.

The Press's diplomacy desk notes that threatening the referee is a recognized negotiating posture in exactly one sense: it reliably ends the negotiation. Supporters called it strength. Opponents called it a man setting fire to the table because the cards were slow. Both groups confirmed the labels are interchangeable and issued on a rotating schedule.

"We were this close," said one official, holding up two fingers, "and then we decided to bomb the person holding the pen."

At press time the olive branch remained on the table, load-bearing, while a very large bomb hung above it from a crane, awaiting either a breakthrough or a change in which party finds breakthroughs admirable.