Leader Thune Unveils Plan to Win the Senate by Personally Selecting Which Candidates the Voters Would Have Chosen Anyway

WASHINGTON — Senate leader Thune has a plan to win back the chamber, and the plan is that everyone should agree with him. The leader has thrown his considerable institutional weight behind a slate of safe, establishment-approved candidates in the battleground states, on the theory that the party's base wants boldness, but not from anyone bold.

The base, informed of its preferences, has begun endorsing the other candidates. Several of Thune's own colleagues have publicly backed insurgent challengers in Maine, Michigan and Minnesota, a gesture Washington describes as a rebuke and the senators describe as listening to voters, which is worse.

The leader's office characterized the disagreement as proof of a big tent. The insurgents characterized the tent as having assigned seating. Both descriptions, The Press notes, have been issued by both parties about both of their tents, in alternating cycles, since tents were invented.

Political scientists observe that 'the establishment is anointing candidates again' is the rare American complaint with true bipartisan ownership: each party files it against its own leadership in the years it loses, and against the other party's leadership in the years it wins.

Asked whether hand-picking nominees had ever backfired, the leader's office released a statement praising the wisdom of primary voters, effective the moment they agree.